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The time now is 20-11-2008 |
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Joined: 05 Apr 2002
Posts: 3114
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Why Dogs don't surf the web...
Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
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30-10-2003 |
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davem
Banned / Ripper | off-worlder |
Joined: 05 Jun 2003
Posts: 582
Location: Up my own arse
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SOPHIE ELLIS BEXTOR KILLED IN LATEST SOCCER SHAME
Latest scandal to hit the football world. The famous and rather smart singer Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found killed in the flat of a well known foreign footballer. As with other recent scandals, speculation as to the identity of the culprit is rife, but if rumours are to be believed, then it is Murder on Zedan's floor
har har
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Last edited by davem on 04-11-2003; edited 1 time in total
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30-10-2003 |
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Joined: 22 May 2002
Posts: 570
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A missionary decided it was time that to start teaching the natives he served, how to speak English. So, he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle & He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief, telling him he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands.
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the chief replied, "My Bike"
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04-11-2003 |
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Joined: 22 May 2002
Posts: 570
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks that maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him, and the woman sleeps soundly. The man wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but we got first and second place."
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04-11-2003 |
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Gender: 
Joined: 18 May 2003
Posts: 3161
Location: Where ever i lay my hat!!!
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Of course, the boy is ecstatic.
He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy patiently. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
Time passes, and MORE time. Finally the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
He hisses back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'
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11-11-2003 |
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Gender:
Joined: 18 May 2003
Posts: 3161
Location: Where ever i lay my hat!!!
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David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank.
"I'd like to donate some sperm," he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly, Sir," she replies. "Have you donated before?"
"Yes," replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."
"Oh, Yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist, "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.
"Well," the receptionist replies, "it says on your record that you're a useless w****r."
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12-11-2003 |
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We need to prune PMs please save any you want to keep over one month old - STeALtH 
