sum rather hilarious jokes here

*** Discount on discs? Logon to DiskDepot with - username: disqworld password: diskdepot ***

Liverpool Olympic Bid!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liverpool has made an audacious last-minute bid to host the 2012 Summer Olympics. In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the organisers of the Liverpool bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below:

Opening Ceremony

The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb, thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional costume of shell-suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the Games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

The Events

In previous Olympic Games, Great Britain's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local Liverpudlian athletes.

100 Metres Sprint: Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven, one in each arm. On the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 Metres Hurdles: As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls, etc).

Hammer: Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

Fencing: Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting: A strong challenge is expected from the local team in this event. The first target will be the moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman.

Boxing: Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Guinness whilst the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time Trials: Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from London on his first trip away from home - all against the clock.

Cycling Pursuit: As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon: Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy-riding and arson.

Marathon: A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

Swimming: Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into the River Mersey. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.

Men's 50km Walk: Unfortunately, this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.

The Closing Ceremony

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Liverpool "Health in the Community" anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock-throwing and music by the Toxteth Boys Brigade Band.

The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes can break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
_________________
If u dont own it destroy it within 24hrs

http://www.disqworld.net/forums/refs-4-b-t58641.html

Manners Cost Nothing

*** Discount on discs? Logon to DiskDepot with - username: disqworld password: diskdepot ***

A seven year old South African boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama
today when he challenged a Pretoria Supreme Court ruling over who should
have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge
awarded custody to his sole aunt. The boy protested that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested
that he live with his grandparents the boy claimed that they beat him more
than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.
Custody was today granted to the Springboks Rugby team, as the boy firmly believes they are not capable of beating anyone.

*** Discount on discs? Logon to DiskDepot with - username: disqworld password: diskdepot ***

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are ***kin menthol."

*** Discount on discs? Logon to DiskDepot with - username: disqworld password: diskdepot ***

1. Why did Mary fall of the swing?

Ans: Because she had no arms!!

2. A piece of string walks into a bar and the bar man shouts 'Hey your a piece of string you cant come in here!!'. The Piece of string simply replies 'No, I'm a frayed knot actually'.
_________________


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!

*** Discount on discs? Logon to DiskDepot with - username: disqworld password: diskdepot ***