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The time now is 04-12-2008 |
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Gender: 
Joined: 21 May 2004
Posts: 2749
Location: Pc Pitstop
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There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because
he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,
Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day,until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
OH, 'Come on'...take a guess!
Think about it ...
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is .
''...You can't kill two birds with one stone."
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12-10-2004 |
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Joined: 01 May 2003
Posts: 238
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The rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention paid to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
_________________
Any backups supplied by me are on the understanding that you own the origanal,
If you dont you must blow up the back up within 24 hours.
refs here
http://www.disqworld.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=74626&highlight=
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15-10-2004 |
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Morph
New Member | off-worlder |
Joined: 23 Feb 2003
Posts: 15
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Bill Gates Buys Some Lovin'
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party.
They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."
Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."
To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."
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24-10-2004 |
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Joined: 03 Feb 2004
Posts: 804
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Nee - Naw
A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration
"Thanks", the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."
The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says.....
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*cking siren, would I ?!"
_________________
***** Back ups are supplied on the understanding you own the original *****
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01-11-2004 |
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Gender:
Joined: 07 Oct 2002
Posts: 3413
Location: So long, and thanks for all the fish.
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made me laugh
From a friend:
----- Original Message -----
If Abbott and Costello were around today . . .
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on START.
_________________
I don't supply backups everything supplied was owned by me and is the original.
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17-11-2004 |
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Joined: 26 Sep 2003
Posts: 400
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bush dies
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he greed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said,
"Monica, you're free to go!"
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21-11-2004 |
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b
Veteran |  |
Gender:
Joined: 02 Dec 2003
Posts: 1478
Location: Near The Stump
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A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped
into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes around
and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring
me a whiskey, b * tch." The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a
whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this
out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me
another whiskey, b * tch." Quite upset by now, the stewardess returns
shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's
approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, b * tch, now go and get it
for me." In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both
the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss them
both out of the airplane. As they're falling toward the ground, the
parrot turns to the man and says,
"You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a right mouthy b * sta * d."
_________________
If u dont own it destroy it within 24hrs
http://www.disqworld.net/forums/refs-4-b-t58641.html
Manners Cost Nothing
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22-11-2004 |
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We need to prune PMs please save any you want to keep over one month old - STeALtH 
