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The time now is 19-11-2008 |
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Joined: 17 Oct 2003
Posts: 1047
Location: standing at the corner watching
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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
$100 dollars?
"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner
before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000
dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs
again
around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite
your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm $10,000 dollars, eh?
"Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over
there."
So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse and bra to
reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees
them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them,
kissing them, burying his face in them, ....but not biting.
In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna
bite them or what?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."
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12-08-2004 |
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Joined: 20 Feb 2004
Posts: 140
Location: nomad
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Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) 
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03-09-2004 |
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Joined: 23 Apr 2002
Posts: 136
Location: Watching u..........
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A FARMER is sat in his local getting drunk when the barman wanders over and says: "Grateful as I am for the business, it's a beautiful day out there, why aren't you out there enjoying it?"
The farmer shakes his head: "Some things you just can't explain."
"Want to talk about it?" asks the barman, sensing a problem.
"Sure," replies the farmer. "Earlier I was sat milking my cow and just
as I got the bucket full she lifted her leg and kicked the whole lot over."
"That's not so bad," says the barman.
"That's what I thought," replies the farmer. "After all, some things you
just can't explain."
"So what happened then?" asks the barman.
"Well, I took her left leg and tied it to a post," explains the farmer. "But just a few minutes later her right leg kicked the bucket over again!"
"Some things you just can't explain, eh?" laughs the barman.
"Right," says the farmer. "So I tied that leg to another post, started
milking again and then her tail knocks the bucket over!"
"So what did you do?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'd run out of rope by then," says the farmer. "So I took my belt
off and tied her tail to the rafter. Then my pants fell down and the wife walked in....and well, like I said, some things you just can't explain."
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16-09-2004 |
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Joined: 23 Apr 2002
Posts: 136
Location: Watching u..........
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Intersting thoughts
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a Knobhead.
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right.
How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it's still there?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If helicopters are so safe, why do you never see vintage helicopter meetings?
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16-09-2004 |
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Joined: 20 Feb 2004
Posts: 140
Location: nomad
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a knights tale
The brave incompetent knights discuss their tactics for rescuing the fair maiden from the clutches of the hideously handsome Black Knight and his henchmen...
"We should attack from all sides." added Sir Round.
"Yes, let's go around them.", agreed Sir Cumference.
"I don't agree. We should just watch them.", replied Sir Veillance
"Absolutely", added Sir Tain.
"Cod potato fish nighttime bucket.", informed Sir Realism
"We shall overcome them whatever we do.", proclaimed Sir Mount.
"No, there are far too many of them.", said Sir Plus.
"We could take them by surprise.", hissed Sir Reptitious.
"I'll do whatever you say", announced Sir Vile.
"We'll dish out a bit of mayhem", said Sir Ving.
"Let's throw them in the river", suggested Sir Pentine.
"Why don't we just give up now?", asked Sir Render.
"I think that would be a bad idea.", said Sir Mise.
"What if it's all a terrible trap?", feared Sir Spishon.
"I'm not worried.", replied Sir Reen.
"I heard that the King is having it off with a moose.", said Sir Lachious.
"Does that mean stuff comes out of his body?" asked Sir Cretion.
"Maybe he's got the wind.", mused Sir Rocco.
"Who nose?", replied Sir Rano de Bergerac.
"Oh, the end of my dick's just dropped off!", cried Sir Cumcision, purely for effect.
"Well, it's sink or swim now", observed Sir Facetension.
"And in God we are Trussed." philosophised Sir Jickle-Support.
"I know, instead of rescuing the maiden, why don't we just get pissed?", asked Sir Rhosis of DeLiver.
"And we could go for a meal", added Sir Loin
"Just don't expect me to pay", said Sir Charge.
"We'll all have a whale of a time.", added Sir Tayshun.
"Yeh. And we'll have fun, fun, fun, till Daddy takes the T-Bird away" sang Sir Fin-Yewessay.
At which point the brave incompetent knights nipped off to the pub.
"That was close.", said Lady Shave.
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29-09-2004 |
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Joined: 03 Feb 2004
Posts: 804
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I
figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN -
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your
upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his
wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if
I have to roll my own....so does she.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible,
and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
Live well, Laugh often.
_________________
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01-10-2004 |
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We need to prune PMs please save any you want to keep over one month old - STeALtH 
